How Do You Breathe?

Who am I?

It’s a simple question, but profound. The way you answer this question shows what you value about yourself and what you despise, the way you view yourself and the way you believe others view you, the image you see in the mirror and the one you project to the world. It shows your priorities, your passions, your very being, in a few simple words or as many as it takes. It shows your relationships to other people and theirs to you, and it shows how you view these relationships, if you choose to list them all, by the order and adjectives attached. A simple question, but multifaceted, and the answer is never as easy as it seems at first glance.

It’s easy to lose sight of who you are in a crazy busy world like this. It’s easy to trim an edge here and smooth a rough spot there to fit into a mold of who you think you should be, or who someone else thinks you should be. It’s easy to adapt, become what you need to be or what others need you to be in a given situation. It’s easy to fill your schedule and your mind and your heart with these things, things that distract you from that core you, the one that surfaces when you start to ask yourself this question. And it’s necessary sometimes, to put aside something you love for another’s benefit, to sacrifice time you’d rather spend elsewhere in order to accomplish something worthwhile. It’s necessary to make a living even if you despise your job, to interact with coworkers or fellow students or even family that you’d rather avoid but are obligated to spend time with. It’s necessary to put yourself on hold sometimes.

But being on hold is never supposed to last long. And if you leave yourself on hold, if you continue to deny certain parts of yourself, you may lose sight of them entirely. You find yourself one day struggling to catch your breath, wondering where all of your time is going, desperate to renew yourself but unsure of how to go about it – because the self you want to renew is withering away, the fire flickering out.

And that would be a shame. The world needs you, to fulfill all that you were sent here to do. If you replace that with the generic and the necessary entirely, there is a void that no one else can quite fill.

This is something I’m struggling with lately. I’ve been sticking to the necessary, the urgent, the parts of my life that demand so much of me that I leave who I am on hold. It’s necessary, of course – I can hardly make what I need to do for a living harmonize with what I need to do for myself – but I’ve found it’s not enough. I’ve been on hold too long. I’ve lost sight of bits and pieces of myself. And it hurts, to realize this, to share it, to see how it’s affected those around me. I need to find it again, to take the time and rediscover who God made me to be.

So how would I answer this question, who am I? How does this help me stop leaving myself on hold? It’s simple, really. I’ll even give you a list.

I am a writer – so I need to write, to take the time and let my words flow from my mind to my fingers to my screen or paper. I need to allow thoughts to become ideas and ideas to become characters, plots, worlds of their own.

I am a dancer – so I need to take the time to dance, even when my energy is drained, even when I have so little to offer, even when my movements are clumsy and my feet stumble. I need to allow my worship to flood my body and move my hands and feet, allow myself to experience it with all of me physically, mentally, emotionally.

I am a perpetual student – so I need to let myself learn, to set aside time and resources and materials. I need to inundate myself with the knowledge I thirst for, the wonders of God and His works and the minds He bestowed upon mankind which allow them to discover so much. I need to allow my curiosity to be insatiable and follow it where it leads.

I am a child – of God, and of two amazing parents, which makes me a blood sister to three wonderful siblings and spiritual sister to countless more. So I need to allow myself to be a child, to experience the wonder of darkness transforming to light or new life springing forth out of death. I need to let the weight of the world slip from my shoulders and rest on the ground, then allow those wiser and stronger than me to share the load and teach me how to bear my part. Teachable, excitable, joyful, hopeful – a child once again.

And when I do, I’ll find my days will be more fulfilled. My self will be renewed. And my breath will come easier and easier until I can breathe deeply once again.

What about you? What is your answer to the question, who am I? What are the things that keep you refreshed and renewed, able to deal with the mundane in a way that makes it extraordinary? How do you breathe?

War and Peace

Yes, this is from the final battle of Lord of the Rings. Because there's very few times when a Lord of the Rings reference is not applicable.

Many people see war and peace as opposites. They will say war is strife and chaos; peace is the tranquil absence of war. This is not quite correct, as the losing side of any war will say. Peace is not the absence of war; it is what follows a hard-won victory. It is that rest which is given a weary soldier, the sleep granted to the saints who battled for righteousness, the serenity bestowed upon the one who has fought the darkness and won. Peace only follows a battle, and it is never easily achieved. It does not come from standing in the ocean and allowing the waves to batter you as they choose. It does not come from collapsing and allowing the darkness to engulf you. It does not come from standing in the lions’ den and allowing them to consume you. Why? Because peace only comes in the light. Darkness is chaos, and refusing to struggle against it allows the only flicker of hope you ever had for peace to be extinguished.

No matter how hard it gets, you have to keep fighting, or your journey through the darkness will never lead to the light. In any epic saga of travel and adventure, the hero encounters many obstacles along the way. Some of them are physically present, monsters he must slay, villains he must outwit. Some of them are mental and emotional, mindsets he must change, thought processes he must overcome. If at any point he stops and allows these to overcome him, the story is over. He never reaches his mountain, castle, or ocean. He never destroys the ring. He never secures victory over darkness as a whole because he didn’t fight it while it was in pieces. He is then not a hero, just a character who gave up. Peace will never come from giving up and giving in. Peace only comes after fighting until you succeed. That doesn’t mean fighting, losing a battle, and shrugging your shoulders because at least you tried. If you truly want peace, you have to fight for it, taking hold and refusing to let go until you emerge into the light of day.

But it’s an illness, some strugglers argue, as if it absolves them to call it a sickness. They’re right, to some extent. Depression is a mental illness. Anxiety is a mental illness. PTSD is a mental illness, and illnesses don’t go away with a few happy thoughts and a little pixie dust any more than cancer or appendicitis can be cured with a Band-Aid or cough drop.

But no one tells the cancer patient, the Lyme’s sufferer, the person with appendicitis or thyroid disorder or anything else to just give in, be the victim, let it take over. No, you fight with chemo and medicine and surgery and treatments that much of the time seem to make the pain worse, but leave you able to function as a human again. The same goes for mental illnesses: you can never give in and stop fighting, just allowing the waves of negativity and loathing and darkness to wash over you without resistance, hoping that you have enough control to stay alive until they pass. You have to fight with truth and love and the hard things you know will help you. It can be harder in some ways than chemo, because the body can sometimes endure more physical pain than the mind is willing to endure mental or emotional pain, but both can be suffered through and defeated if you don’t lose sight of their long-term gains.

Is it your fault that you’re depressed, anxious, have PTSD or ADD or anything else? No, no more than it’s your fault that you have cancer, Lyme’s, appendicitis, malfunctioning organs of any kind. Is it your fault if you do nothing, just let it take over and have that victory over you? Whether it’s refusing chemo or refusing to fight, the answer is yes. So regardless of which kinds of battles you’re facing now, keep fighting, until the darkness fades into dawn and the war at last is won. Don’t make it your fault.

The Fantastic Five Dialogue Tag - Maiden of Ice

I was tagged by Hannah Heath, a fabulous writer, engaging blogger, and good friend of mine, to participate in the Fantastic Five Dialog tag, originally created by Nate Philbrick. I haven’t talked about my bigger writing projects yet – mainly because I’m having a hard time rewriting draft after draft and I would hate to leave you all hanging – but the one I’m currently working on is Maiden of Ice, a YA Fantasy I’ve been writing a couple years now. When she’s a bit more presentable – my Maiden is still a bit rough around the edges … or maybe just rough altogether - I’ll be happy to tell you more about her, and maybe one day she’ll be ready to come out into the light. For now, enjoy these five out-of-context snippets of dialogue from the draft I’m currently on:

“A daughter over a son? A courtier over a soldier? This is your choice?” 

“Looks prepared enough, I must say. She’ll need it, too.”

          “Touch anything, and suffer. Hide anything, and it will be drawn out with pain. Try anything, and you may not live to see the sunrise. I expect you to behave.”

“All is well here. Use time wisely. Send word often. Your brothers and Conley greet you and wish you success.”

“I think you would be surprised, Gwynara, what I am capable of giving.”

If only internal dialogue was allowed! My Maiden is in deep first person POV, so a lot of my best lines are my MC's thoughts. That makes this both dissatisfying and revealing - I don't feel like I have a good representation of my writing here, and I have a lot less dialogue than I thought. Something to go over in editing, I guess.

Now comes the hard part: tagging other bloggers to participate. I’m still new to the blogging world and have yet to check out a lot of fabulous writers, but here’s a few I follow that I know I’d love to see:

Brianna da Silva

Suzannah Rowntree 

Abigayle Ellison

Feel free to participate even if I didn't tag you - I'd love to see your snippets too! And follow these amazing writers, you won't regret it!